THE SNOOP.

When a big-time gambler like Oscar Slade ends up dead (and therefore unable to pay off his racetrack debts), a big-time dealer in Thoroughbred flesh like James O'Hanlon (Peter O'Toole) gets suspicious. And when O'Hanlon gets suspicious, the first name that comes to his mind is Lydeker—a family known not only for its lemon trees, but also for its distressingly beautiful female scions. O'Hanlon trembles to think of what he might do if he were to get within striking distance of that kind of horse flesh. Oh yes, he knows a thing or two about breeding, he does … Luckily for Rebecca Lydeker (Naomi Watts), Laura's older sister, she developed an expertise in keeping herself hidden, at the girls' boarding academy she attended not so long ago: Stay real quiet-like … and very still … Don't even breathe. (Is that the rustle of a skirt, or just the Santa Ana winds?) And once the prefect is gone, a girl is free to resume her nocturnal mischief without interruption.

Still, sneaking off to the clubs on Central Avenue to dig some junkie horn blower is one thing. Snooping around the O'Hanlon Stables … well, it's no roll in the hay, even when it is. But if Rebecca can't find the thing she's looking for—the thing that holds the key to everything—anything could happen, and very well might!

THE GETAWAY.

Cue swirling, maddening violins. Tilda Lydeker (Helen Mirren), aunt to Laura and Rebecca Lydeker, paramour to three-fourths of Beverly Hills circa 1929, and the brains behind the city's third-largest citrus fortune, must drive, and she must drive fast. She knows just how lemonade is made in this town, and she knows Oscar learned the tricks of her trade all too well, and she knows how it all went sour. Oscar may have been just some low-life private dick, and he may have been too free with his fists, but sometimes a woman needs a man who's man enough to remind her that she's a woman—that is, if she's woman enough to take it. And Tilda could take it. Oh, how she could take it. She took it, and she took it, and she took it again. And then once more for laughs.

Along for the ride is Tilda's older half-sister, Alma (Judi Dench), issue of their father's youthful dalliance—or was it something more sinister?—with the beautiful daughter of migrant citrus pickers. They say Alma's "slow," but, like her half-sister, when it comes to trouble she's awfully swift on the pickup.


LOBBY OF THE DAMNED. INT. HOTEL LA BREA—NIGHT

Making like lovebirds, undercover police detectives Sloan (Ed Norton) and Minsky (Kate Winslet) are working the Hotel La Brea on a tip. The place is a rattrap, but that's why they're here: to trap rats. And, with any luck, exterminate them. The owner, blind racketeer Marlon Doppel (Robert De Niro), knows who offed poor Oscar, but he's not saying. Neither is Muriel Slade (Jennifer Connelly), who has so deftly misled the law for reasons having to do with saving her own skin. The languid drink of water in the corner (Julianne Moore) is content to know not much of anything beyond which gentleman will take on the job of keeping her in silk. Tilda Lydeker (Helen Mirren) arrives in search of answers, unaware that she may be checking in one last time before checking out for good.


END OF THE PARTY.

For most of L.A., it's morning. For those here, it will always be last night. Jimmy (Tobey Maguire) searches the piano keys for a melody that will make sense of it all. The youngest Lydeker, Lydia (Jessica Alba), may be willing to carry his tune, but Ethel Barringsley (Diane Lane) listens without hearing a note. She hasn't been the same since Oscar died, and her husband, Robert Barringsley (James Franco), hasn't been the same since she hasn't been the same. Behind Daddy's bookshelves, Laura Lydeker (Kirsten Dunst) finds herself almost fully recovered from her amnesia, but the young lemon heiress wishes she could forget what she's seen all over again. School Boy Simmons (Robert Downey Jr.), now a wealthy ex-prizefighter, has helped her through her darkest hours. Speaking of which, what did happen last night? Shouldn't Aunt Tilda have slunk in by now, the usual cheap aftershave on her breath?Dissolve to …


THE SHOOT-OUT. EXT. HOTEL LA BREA, FIRE ESCAPE—NIGHT.

 Is this a flashback, or did the projectionist mix up the reels? Even the director can't be sure. Back at the Hotel La Brea, undercover cop Minsky (Kate Winslet) would like a word with Tilda (Helen Mirren), but if not, the flatfoot femme is more than happy to let her lady pistol do the talking for both of them. And when her pistol starts talking … well, like a lot of ladies, it's hard to shut up.Once the cartridges are emptied, we find two beauties taking the big sleep in the L.A. night. A sleep that won't be haunted by the secret Tilda is taking with her to the Lydeker-family mausoleum (a ways down Halcyon Lane from Oscar's sorry plot). A sleep that won't be disturbed by the visage of the man she may or may not have hired—for a cost beyond price—to plug poor Oscar. A mad face, leering and twisted. And the most devilish eyebrows. It is the face of …


THE BIG REVEAL. EXT. SOMEWHERE IN L.A.—DUSK.

… the face of this man (Jack Nicholson), who kills for love, or money, or some combination of the two. Or maybe it's just for kicks. Wherever people try to make themselves into something good and decent, wherever a man tries to make that one last score, wherever a woman feels like yielding to a fellow, he is there. In a town where the law is kill or be killed, die or die later, he is always watching, always waiting for his chance, and revealing himself only in the final reel, with the City of So-Called Angels spreading below him like a still-warm bloodslick.Forget it, Oscar. It's … somewhere.Pull back to reveal: a wild, unpruned lemon grove.

THE END